


Although We Are Faithless

by celestialskiff



Category: The Magicians (TV)
Genre: Best bitches, Comfort Sex, Crying, Cuddling & Snuggling, Cunnilingus, Depression, Drug Use, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Femslash, Finding joy while depressed, Friendship/Love, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Mentioned Kady/Penny, Past Sexual Assault, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Reynard - Freeform, Season/Series 02, Season/Series 03, Suicidal Thoughts, Therapy, Vaginal Fingering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-09
Updated: 2019-05-09
Packaged: 2020-02-29 03:28:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18770272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/celestialskiff/pseuds/celestialskiff
Summary: “It turns out...” Kady swallowed, hunching down by the edge of the table. “It turns out you don’t stop caring about people even when they’re selfish bitches who betray you.”Even though Julia hurt Kady, Kady can't stop caring about her. And after Kady's overdose in S03, Julia will do anything she can to help.





	Although We Are Faithless

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lionessvalenti](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lionessvalenti/gifts).



> Huge thanks to **capeofstorm** for the beta. 
> 
> Please note this fic contains references to Penny's death in S03, to Kady's overdose, and mentions of suicide, rape and depression. It's got a lot more comfort than those warnings suggest, though.

Some nights, although we are faithless, the truth  
enters our hearts, that small familiar pain;  
then a man will stand stock-still, hearing his youth  
in the distant Latin chanting of a train. 

From [Prayer](http://www.fulgura.de/sonett/karussel/original/prayer.htm) by Carol Ann Duffy 

 

Julia chain-smoked on her couch, learning the things it was possible to do while crying. Shower while crying. Email her Mom while crying. Order pizza while crying. Presumably the crying would stop at some point. She’d already burst a blood vessel in her nose. 

She spent a lot of time holding her stomach, her chest, like she had heart-burn. Maybe she literally did: not acid in her stomach, but an actual physical burn in her heart. An orange cinder. She could feel her shade inside; she wanted to soothe it. Her shade: a part of herself forever twelve years old. A child intimate with the ragged holes around which she was formed. Who turned pain up, and up, beyond what Julia could stand, and yet – she was grateful for her. She wanted her here.

Julia was lying like that on her couch, smoking, hoping something would finally give, when Kady banged on the door. She and Kady had set up a special knock months ago but Julia wasn’t sure she’d hear it again. Before she could move the door slid open, because Kady also had a key. 

Julia tried to sit up. Her torso was too heavy. She could only manage to turn her head. 

“I –” Kady looked almost as bad as Julia felt. Fierce and hopeless at the same time. “Fuck you, Julia.” 

Julia nodded. Her thoughts felt red at the edges, sticky. 

“Penny’s dying.” Kady said. She leant against the counter top, pressed her hand to her mouth. “Penny’s dying.” 

“I’m sorry.” Julia didn’t know what else she had to offer. She _was_ sorry, really sorry now she had her shade back, about what was happening to Penny. She’d almost forgotten how many things a human could feel at once. 

“I, I – _hate_ you.” Kady’s voice broke. “You betrayed me – us. You betrayed all of us. Silver, and Richard, and Menolly. All of us.” 

“I know.” Julia stubbed out her cigarette. “What do you want?” 

There was a long silence. Julia shut her eyes. She could feel the tears behind them. She could feel – Reynard in the room; she could feel his hands at her hips, her thighs. She swallowed, hoped she could get through the next hour without throwing up. 

“I’m worried about you, you – _you asshole.”_

Kady stood by the coffee table. Julia looked up at her. Her throat burnt. God. She didn’t think this kind of pain should literally mean _crying all the time._ What the fuck. Why couldn’t she just stare bleakly into the distance instead? Shout into the void? Pass out in an alley? 

“It turns out...” Kady swallowed, hunching down by the edge of the table. “It turns out you don’t stop caring about people even when they’re selfish bitches who betray you.” 

It took a lot of effort to pull herself upright. Julia managed it. 

“And Penny said I should check on you,” Kady added. 

There were tears on Kady’s face too. Julia reached for her, gripped Kady’s wrist. Touching her had been – as natural as breathing, a few months ago. Now it felt like she was reaching across a chasm, into dangerous territory. Kady made a sound like a sob and roar, and flung herself onto the couch beside Julia. The couch shook with the force of her movement. The sounds that came from her chest were loud, frantic, frustrated. She slammed a fist into the cushions, like a toddler. Like there was too much inside of her to be contained. 

It was a lot. Julia didn’t know what to do; she didn’t move: she thought, _I need to witness what I’ve done. The hurt I’ve caused._

Then Kady sat up, trembling, tugged Julia into her arms, pressing her wet face into Julia’s neck. She was hissing, over and over, “Fuck you, Julia, fuck you,” arms painfully tight. Kady had always hugged her like this, like they only had a few seconds before they’d have to fight the whole world. Even asleep, Kady held her like this. Close. Demanding. 

“Kady – Kady –” Julia whispered, touching Kady’s hair, her back. She had no idea how to soothe Kady. Kady who ran on rage and alcohol. She didn’t know if she _should_ try to soothe her. Maybe they just needed to be raw. Hopeless. Allow the huge shapes inside them to overwhelm them. Blot everything else out.

“I don’t forgive you,” Kady said, into Julia’s neck, into her hair, “I don’t forgive you.” 

“I know.” There wasn’t anything else to say. “I know.” 

Kady’s body shook against her. She held Julia, and held her, and Julia didn’t feel comforted, or safe. But she felt seen – that Kady, in her rage, her kindness, saw her. Cared for her. Julia knew this for what it was: a gift, rare and precious. 

When Kady let her go, Julia said, “I’m glad you came.” 

“Fuck off.” Kady stared at her hands. Her jaw set. “What have you got to drink?” 

*

It hadn’t felt easy before. Her and Kady. They were both hurting. They’d both lost too much. When they hugged, it was around the jagged broken places inside them. The first time Kady kissed her, it had felt more like being bitten. Kady had said, “Do you want this? It might help,” her voice as casual as though she was suggesting Julia take a Tylenol or shot of whiskey. But her hand had been around Julia’s wrist, thumb pressing into Julia’s pulse, and her eyes burnt into Julia’s face. It wasn’t casual; it had never been casual. Julia’s stomach was full of acid and god-fetus, and she’d lost layers of herself, and Kady’s hands on her skin were like tongues of fire. She didn’t come. She just pressed her face into Kady’s chest, Kady’s neck and thought – _We’re alive, we’re alive._

Sometimes when they fucked, Julia would stop feeling anything at all, and Kady would lie down and drink until she passed out. Sometimes Julia would come harder around Kady’s hand than she’d ever come before, she’d see stars, and, for a quarter of a second, everything would blaze with a brilliant, terrible light. She’d lie next to Kady while Kady slept, and watch her breathe, and Kady would be all that mattered to her in the world. And she would think – _Nothing holds us together. We’ll spin apart as soon as we get our revenge. Or we’ll die._

But it was easier then than it was now. Julia tried not to think about Kady. She went to law school; dropped out of law school. Slept badly. Bought the bourbon Kady liked, even though she didn’t like it. Smoked. Talked to Quentin. Wondered about the shade inside of her, how it felt, what it thought. She was directionless and exhausted and she never wanted to do anything, but if she stopped _doing things_ she remembered how much she hurt, how it hurt to breathe. 

It wasn’t the worst she’d ever felt. 

*

After the overdose, she stayed in the infirmary with Kady, watching her. Like she’d watched her when they’d shared a bed. She felt the same calm now as she had then when she watched Kady breathe – in, out, in, out. Julia’s hands tingled with magic. She wasn’t sure exactly how she’d healed Kady. She’d felt only raw power, and fear. And Kady, under her hands, how Kady’s existence was a miracle. 

“There’s no point in staying with her,” the nurse said, in her brisk, Brakebills way. “She’ll just sleep.” 

“I know.” 

Julia didn’t say that she didn’t want to be anywhere else. She sat on one of the empty beds, fell in and out of a strange doze. The hours passed. At some point, she began to hear birdsong, and she wasn’t sure if it was real or imagined. 

Before dawn, Kady opened her eyes; closed them again. Opened them and stared at Julia. “For a second, I thought you were Penny.” 

Her voice was dry, her eyes huge. Julia poured some water, brought the glass to Kady’s mouth. Kady sipped, coughed. 

“You’re going to feel pretty rough for a while,” Julia said.

“Did you find me?” 

“Yeah.” Julia put the glass back on the table. 

“Fuck.” Kady closed her eyes. “Did you save my life?”

Kady’s skin looked grey; her face thinner than Julia had ever seen it. Julia wanted to touch her cheek, to kiss her forehead. Make her eggs and bacon. Bring her somewhere safe and warm, Martha’s Vineyard in summer, maybe; somewhere with ocean and fruit and yellow curtains, where they could rest. 

“Did you?” Kady hauled herself up onto her elbows. 

“Yes,” said Julia, very soft. 

Kady made a sound, a little, choked-off moan, deep in her throat. Julia wanted to take her hand, didn’t. “I have to piss,” Kady said, after long moments had passed. 

“I’ll help you up.” The drip was wedged between the pillow and the side of the bed: she untangled it, held her hand out to Kady. Together, they walked to the bathroom, Julia steadying her, trying to coordinate the IV stand at the same time. Kady’s breath came in small, abrupt hisses. 

At the bathroom door, Kady insisted she could managed on her own. Julia waited outside, surprised by how little she wanted to leave Kady alone even for a moment. She stared at floor, listening to the familiar bathroom sounds as though they were some kind of music. 

Kady came out, stood on shaky legs. “I don’t want to lie down.” 

“You probably should.” 

“The sun is coming up.” Kady was right: the light was turning soft and pearly. 

Julia took Kady’s hand: she didn’t pull away. She led Julia towards the long window, her steps uneven. They sat on the edge of an empty bed, right beside the window. Kady leant her warm weight into Julia. Her skin smelt of sleep. 

The sky was gold, and the trees stood out black against the light. 

*

“I’m glad. Part of me is glad. That it’s finally over.” Kady was staring at her breakfast tray. She’d drunk her juice, but the toast and yoghurt sat untouched. Her voice cracked. 

Julia took a piece of toast from the tray. She wished the infirmary had included coffee. 

“It was exhausting. And I was just... waiting, bracing myself. I wanted to stop waiting.” Kady swallowed. “I’m an asshole.” 

“It hurts, loving people,” Julia said. “You loved him a lot.” 

“I wasn’t trying to kill myself.” Kady shoved the tray aside. “I wasn’t trying very hard to stay alive either, though.” 

Julia took a spoon, attacked the yoghurt and fruit: she was hungry. “Do you forgive me?” 

Kady turned her face away, hair falling in front of her features. “I know you saved my life, but you still... betrayed me. And Penny. I don’t know if I can...” 

“No.” Julia swallowed. Breath coming fast in her chest.“Not for that, not for what I did with Reynard. I don’t expect you to forgive me for that. I want to know... If you can forgive me for saving your life.” 

Kady drew her knees up to her chest. She made a faint noise in the back of her throat. They couldn’t look at each other. Then,“Yeah. I don’t blame you for that.” 

A long silence. Julia finished the toast. Thought she should break Kady out of here at least long enough to get her a real breakfast. You deserved pancakes and coffee after nearly dying. 

“I don’t know what I’m going to do now.” Kady’s voice was flat, defeated. 

Julia suppressed the urge to grip Kady’s hand again. “I don’t think any of us do.” 

*

The infirmary kicked Kady out, suggested she check into rehab. They got the train back to the city. Almost noon: the commuters were long gone, and it was easy to find seats. Light was the warm gold of late October; trees and clusters of houses skidded past. Kady wasn’t sleeping, but didn’t talk much. She leant into Julia’s body, though the seats weren’t so close she needed to. Julia thought of how easily they’d shared space with each other before. How she’d reached out her hand and Kady would pass her a jar of pickles, or a smoke. How she’d walked into a dank basement and known Kady would come for her. How, when she’d betrayed that trust, she still reached for Kady, and found nothing, like missing her footing in the dark. 

They walked into Julia’s studio apartment and walked out again. 

“Too much _fucked-up_ shit happened in there,” Kady said, once they were in the nearest bar. She was pale, shivering, still hadn’t eaten properly. Julia watched her down a shot, and ordered fries, a burger, chicken wings, anything she could think of. 

“I know. I want to – I don’t want to just leave, I want to burn it to the ground.” Julia rubbed her face with her hand. “But it belongs to my mother.” 

“God.” Kady took a pull of beer. “You and your privilege.” 

Julia shrugged. “We should go somewhere else. Get out of the city. You’re supposed to be in rehab.” 

“You know where they stick you when you don’t have insurance?” Kady shook her head. “I’d rather drink myself to death, thanks.” 

“I didn’t say you _should_ go to rehab.” Julia felt anxious, suddenly, like she was asking Kady on a date. “But maybe you need to rest? Let’s get out of the city. Somewhere we don’t know anyone.” 

“Rest?” Kady shook her head. “I don’t want to end up sleeping in my car in the boonies.” 

Food arrived. Kady stared at the plates of fries, the greasy-looking burger. “Jesus, Jules. How many of us do you think there are?” 

Julia’s mouth watered. She felt hollowed out from last night, from all the nights. “Just pick something and eat it.” 

Kady rolled her eyes, swallowed some more beer, and pulled the chicken towards her. 

*

“He would have done anything to save me – to save you, even.” Kady slumped further down into herself. They didn’t have a plan. They both wanted to keep moving, so Julia had taken the car she was supposed to share with her sister and begun driving. 

“I knew the way he breathed at night.” Kady tapped her nail against the window. “The kind of beer he liked. The things that made him mad. His favourite band. But I didn’t... I didn’t really know him.” 

“It sounds like you knew some important things,” Julia said. 

“I know you better.” Kady sighed. “I know you more than I ever knew him.” 

Julia turned off the interstate, chose a road at random. Kady’s words echoing in her head. She wanted to say: _That’s because we work, you and me._ “It’s often kind of like that, though. It’s hard to know people. Isn’t it?” 

“Not hard like with Penny.” Kady coughed. “And he was... He was so good, Julia. He was way better than either of us. 

Julia watched the road, suburbia turning into fields. It was going to get dark soon. She felt better since she’d consumed grease and protein, but still hollow. Aching. She couldn’t imagine what Kady felt. And that was life, wasn’t it – not being able to understand the pain the people you loved were in, just as they couldn’t understand you. 

“We should decide where to stop soon.” 

“I don’t want to,” Kady said. “I want to keep running.” 

*

The motel they wound up in was old, clean, poorly heated. There was a bite to the evening air, but the rooms felt even colder. 

Julia faced Kady on the bed, tasting the kiss they’d shared. Beer, smoke. Kady’s breath was uneven; she’d got a little colour in her cheeks earlier in the day, but now she was as pale as she’d ever been. 

“I’ve just – I can’t fuck you when I’ve just lost him –” Kady covered her face with her hands. 

Julia felt: brittle, cold, tired. She rubbed circles onto Kady’s back, in between her shoulder-blades. She could feel Kady’s ribs under her hand, her uneven breath. 

“I know,” Julia said. “Just breathe, Kady.” She hadn’t expected them to fuck; she hadn’t expected any of this. She thought she might manage to pass out for a few hours if she knew she was in the same room as Kady. That was all. Kady had kissed her: rough, urgent. It probably wasn’t a good idea. 

“Fuck,” Kady said. And then she faced Julia, and kissed her again, and it was like the very first time they’d kissed, the uneven mash of lips and teeth. Like being bitten. She felt her body respond, like Kady had flipped a switch. The heat gathering in her groin, the pull of need. She wanted Kady all over her skin, the jump of Kady’s pulse against her own. Kady’s mouth, Kady’s heart. 

“I want to fuck you and have it not mean anything,” Kady said into Julia’s half-open mouth. 

“OK,” Julia said instantly. _Yes, yes, anything._ She was desperate, suddenly. Aware of how close she’d come to loosing Kady, and how much she wanted her. 

“But it won’t – it never works like that with us.” Kady nipped at Julia’s jaw, her throat. “It never works like that.” Bitter, like she was blaming Julia. “You always mean everything.” Her teeth, sinking into Julia’s lip, sucking Julia’s lip into her mouth. “I need you.” 

Kady’s hands, shoving the shirt aside, the camisole. Fingers scrabbling at Julia’s back, pinching her skin. Julia was too thin to have loose flesh for Kady to grab, but Kady was clawing at her anyway, like she was looking for an anchor. She was going to leave bruises. Julia wanted her to leave bruises. “Scratch me,” she hissed. 

Kady’s nails over her spine, down to the crack of her ass. “Take your pants off.” 

Julia was wet, could smell her own arousal. The tug of her vulva. For a long time, she’d closed this part of herself off, had given it to no one but Kady. Or no-one at all. She’d thought she didn’t need it, would never need to fuck, to be fucked. And yet here it was, the heat of herself, the clench of her groin, the throb. Her mouth dry. 

She needed this, she needed Kady’s hands on her; she wanted their heat, the heat building between them. She wanted this to happen before Kady could regret it. She was so, so afraid that Kady was going to reject her, leave her half-naked on the motel room bed. 

She kicked off her pants, flopped onto the scratchy bedsheets. 

“Don’t stop touching me,” she said. Her voice sounded small, urgent. Unlike her own. 

Kady straddled her. Naked, too, her skin burning hot against Julia. The scratch of her pubic hair against Julia’s stomach, the tickle of her long curls against Julia’s breasts. She leant down to kiss Julia again, teeth tugging Julia’s mouth. 

God, she’d missed this. She’d missed the weight of Kady, those strong hands. The smell of the skin between her breasts. Julia pressed her face into Kady’s shoulder, squirming under her, thrusting against Kady’s stomach. She needed this _fast._

“Fingers.” Julia’s mouth was dry. “Please, your fingers.” 

“Jesus,” Kady said, cupping Julia’s cheek, staring down into Julia’s face. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“Aren’t you?” 

“I’m here.” Kady pressed the side of her hand against Julia’s vulva, and Julia responded instantly, rutting against her. She was slick, sliding fluidly against Kady, and Kady’s fingers met no resistance as she slid into Julia. Strong, quick. She felt so good inside; Julia didn’t even want to come, she just wanted Kady inside her, joined to her. This press of skin on skin, this heat. 

Julia’s vulva ached, clit pulsed. She felt like she was burning. She closed her eyes, buried her face in Kady’s chest, her shoulder, her neck. Kady’s fingers rocked in, out of her, her rhythm built, built, hard and fast. 

“Thank you,” Julia was saying, her lips dry, her voice catching. “Thank you,” as the muscles burnt inside her, as she arched into Kady, and Kady into her. 

*

Her lips tasted like Kady’s vulva. She could smell Kady on her fingers, feel her drying on her cheeks, her nose. She lay, facing her, beneath the hump of blankets. Where their bodies touched, they were warm. Cold outside the blankets. Sweat dried on their skin; wind hissed against the window. 

Suddenly, Kady was crying. Raw sobs, angry. Julia touched Kady’s cheek, waited for Kady to shrug her off. Kady didn’t. Julia slid closer, put her arms around Kady, kissed her forehead. Kady’s hair tickled her nose, her mouth. 

She felt tears spring to her own eyes. Wasn’t she supposed to be comforting? Be the strong one here? But the tears came too easily, blooming in her chest. 

“Fuck.” Kady reached for her, stroked the top of her head. “Crying after sex. Who do we think we are, Quentin?” 

Julia snorted. “I missed you.” She drew in a breath, felt it come out as a sob. Fuck. “I missed you, I don’t care what happens, I don’t care how much you hate me, just – please. I missed you.” 

Kady hooked her leg over Julia’s hips. Pulled them closer, closer. She was snuffling into the pillow, into Julia’s hair. “Everything is just so much.” Her breath caught. “It’s so much.” She tried to say something else, but lost her words to raw sounds of pain from deep in her chest. 

Julia held her, rocked her. 

After a while, they dressed in warm socks, pyjamas, sweaters. Julia made them terrible hot cocoa in the room’s ancient microwave. Kady put her head in Julia’s lap, held the mug in both hands without drinking from it. Julia stroked Kady’s hair – it was soft, familiar, greasy at the roots. 

“My head hurts,” Kady said. 

“You should drink something.” Julia paused. “And we should probably get you some therapy.” 

“I’m not the only one in this room who needs therapy.” 

“True.” Julia traced her fingers over the line of Kady’s profile, over her nose, her jaw. Outside, the wind turned into rain. Julia felt tiny – insubstantial. She thought of the weight of Kady’s grief, of hers, of everything she had done. Of the world without Penny. How easy it was for a life to flicker out. Especially when you were a Magician. She felt the weight of it against her. She was unanchored, undone. 

And she was really fucking glad to be here, with Kady in her lap. 

*

Days of bad food, grey skies. She always felt hungover, even when she hadn’t been drinking. Without asking what Kady thought, Julia guided them towards a spa hotel she’d been to with her sister a few years ago. 

“What the fuck,” Kady said, when Julia pulled into the parking lot. 

“I’m paying.” Julia swallowed. “My mom is paying. She won’t even notice.” 

“That doesn’t... That makes it worse. I’m not going to stay in yuppie central.” Kady lit a cigarette, glared. 

“Please? I’m tired. I just want to take a breath. Everything tastes like grease.” Julia swallowed. She reached for the cigarette, because if Kady passed it to her, it would mean she wasn’t that pissed. 

“I thought we _were_ taking a breath.” Kady scratched the toe of her boot against the dashboard. “Princess.” 

But she held the cigarette out to Julia. Julia took a drag, felt braver. “Can’t you just chill and let me have some foie gras and a massage?” 

Kady folded her arms. “You actually want to eat tortured duck liver?” 

“Not really. I’m trying to live up to your ideas. Caviar?” 

Kady drew in a breath. Took back the cigarette. Leant into the seat, enveloping herself in her folds of coat and sweater. “I like horrible motels and horrible bars. They’re home. This is... This is a fucking theme park.” 

Julia took a deep breath. “It’s just a place to foster your chi. Pretend you’re my yoga buddy and we’re going on a holistic wellness retreat.” 

“I hate you and everything you stand for.” It was cold enough that the windows were fogging up. Kady cleared a circle with her sleeve, glared at a Porsche. 

“Or you could pretend I’m a business executive and you’re my piece on the side? I’m taking you here to make you feel special.” Julia raised her eyebrows. 

Kady was silent for a long time, staring out the window. The tension built and built. Julia was getting ready to apologise, and to drive them to the worst bar she could find, drown them in tequila.

“You’d better make me feel really special,” Kady said. 

Julia’s guts untangled. She lifted the hair away from Kady’s neck, touched her lips to Kady’s ear. “You have no idea.” 

*

For years afterwards, she’d masturbate thinking about that night. 

When Kady first followed her into the hotel, trailing a duffel bag and a coat, lips twisted with disdain, Julia was sure it wasn’t going to work out. When the receptionist found her previous bookings in their system, said, “Nice to see you again, Miss Wicker,” Julia couldn’t meet Kady’s eyes. She couldn’t meet them in the elevator up to their room, either. 

“ _Fuck,”_ Kady said, and flopped back onto a bed so tall Julia couldn’t get onto it gracefully. 

They’d been sharing a bed each night, usually at least a little drunk. Julia loved growing familiar with the rhythms of Kady’s body again, the scent of her skin and hair. Julia slept tucked around Kady, nose against Kady’s shoulder-blade. They inevitably woke up feeling terrible. Sometimes they could make each other feel better; sometimes they couldn’t stand each other. 

But there was a kind of peace in getting coffee, and looking at the other person, and knowing she would be there, as miserable as you, for the rest of the day. 

Julia stretched out next to Kady, folded her arms behind her head. “It’s not so bad. Is it?” 

“It’s way worse than I thought. Jesus.” Kady wriggled her hips, getting more comfortable. “Don’t ever talk to me again.” 

She smelt of smoke and wind. She was out of place in the pristine room, and gorgeous. Julia loved the shape of her on the bed, the texture of her curls, the sneer on her lips. “You’re beautiful,” she said. 

“Julia...” Kady met her eyes. “Don’t say shit like that to me.” 

Julia swallowed. They never complimented each other, like they might if they were a couple. Certainly not when they weren’t actually having sex, and rarely even then. 

“I’m just glad I’m with you.” 

“Yeah, well...” Kady sighed. “The traumatic death of my boyfriend worked out well for you, huh?” 

Julia sat up. “That’s not...” 

Kady caught her wrist. Squeezed. “That’s not fair.” She shut her eyes. Julia could feel the catch in her breath. “I know.” 

“I’m going to take a bath,” Julia said. Slid off the bed. Felt suddenly, embarrassingly, at home in the huge bathroom with the teal-coloured towels, the scent of basil and geranium. She was sinking into the hot water when Kady came in, stared down at her. 

“You’re beautiful too,” she said. “You don’t need me to tell you, do you?” 

Her voice was raw. Anxious. Like she was confessing something. 

Julia smiled. “Come here,” she said. 

She’d never felt closer to Kady than when they shared that huge bathtub. She lay against Kady’s chest and tilted her head up so she could kiss her again and again, their hair frizzed with moisture and heat. The taste of her skin. The way Kady smiled at her, tender, wholly present with her. How Kady sucked kisses onto her neck and chest, and they bloomed and bled in the heat. How their bodies lapped together, a pleasure building but never breaking. 

Kady’s fingers between her thighs, the press of fingers at her clit. Slow, slow. Julia would masturbate to the look on Kady’s face, the quirk of her lips. In tepid water, she made Julia come and come again until she could barely breathe. She was wrung out and desperate for Kady, to touch Kady _more_ , to press her face into Kady’s neck and breasts and ass. They’d found their way to the bed, Julia crawling between Kady’s thighs. She’d eaten her out until her mouth was dry and her tongue hurt, and she still wanted to keep going. 

The way Kady’s thighs tightened around her head. Kady’s expression when Julia finally raised her head. Tender. Almost adoring. Julia had felt so much in that second that she’d _shivered_ with it. Couldn’t contain it. 

She’d lain on top of Kady, nose against Kady’s collarbones. At some point, she’d fallen asleep, and Kady had held her, never pulling away.

She’d woken to Kady’s stomach growling. Julia ordered room service, and Kady found terrible pop music on the hotel’s TV. They sat on the floor, drinking and laughing. “You haven’t taken me to the restaurant or bought me a massage,” Kady said. “I don’t feel special at all.” 

“Don’t you?” Julia looked at Kady from under her lashes. “I’ll have to buy you champagne and roses.” 

“I can think of better ways for you to make it up to me,” Kady said. 

They laughed a lot that night, and later, Julia would think about that too. And how, when Kady woke at 6am, angry and miserable, she’d woken Julia too, had shaken Julia’s shoulder and trusted that Julia would understand. Julia spooned her, and they lay there, in the dark, skin to skin. Everything inside was jagged, painful. But Julia felt wanted. 

Her sister woke them in the morning by calling the room. “What the hell are you up to? Do you know how many bar tabs you’ve charged to Mom’s credit card?” 

It was bizarre to hear her voice. A vestige of another world. But hadn’t she come back to that world, willingly, by insisting they stay here? 

Mackenzie didn’t tell her to go home. Didn’t threaten her. But she did talk to Julia about law school; and rehab; and how Julia wasn’t herself any more. 

*

It didn’t feel like they were running any more. She didn’t feel free. She felt like she’d given up something important for the sake of teal bath-towels and a double-king bed. Julia’s chest ached. All the options felt horrible. 

“Your sister sounds like she cares about you,” Kady said. They were sitting in the hotel’s huge conservatory, drinking coffee and staring out at the fall leaves. Kady looked like a raven stuck in an ornate bird cage. 

Julia didn’t know what to say to that. She nodded. Sipped the coffee. 

“Hey, best bitch.” Kady reached over the little wrought-iron table, took Julia’s hand. 

“What?” 

“I think it’s safe to say we’ve bonded again. And you kept me out of the state psychiatric facility.” Kady squeezed her hand. “Don’t you need to go back to Q and the quest?” 

“I kind of want to run off into the sunset with you.” 

Kady reached for a smoke; stopped herself. “Baby, I don’t think that was ever on the cards for us.” 

Julia sighed. “I missed you.” 

“Don’t look so fucking mournful. We only cry at night, remember?” Kady drummed her fingers on her knee. “Besides, it doesn’t mean we have to stop hooking up.” 

“I worry you’re not going to be OK.” Julia folded her arms over her chest. She was jittery. 

“I’m always OK.” Kady folded her arms too, like they were having a stand-off. 

“Uh...” Julia shook her head. “I saved your life, remember?” 

“And you promised you wouldn’t hold it over me.” 

“No, I didn’t.” 

“Fuck you.” Kady bit into one of the macarons they’d been served with their coffee. The filling oozed out onto her fingers. “You’re worried I’ll start using again.” 

Julia nodded. “Can I find you, like, a therapist or a sponsor or something? Because you can come to me but I’m...” 

“A disaster,” Kady finished. “God. OK. If you find one too, because the number of nightmares you have is untenable.” 

“Deal.” Julia unfolded her arms. “I kind of want to shake on this.” 

“I’m not going to shake on this.” 

They sat in silence, but Kady was smiling at her, just a little bit. A bird sang outside. The waiter came over, fussed with cups, glasses of water. Napkins. 

“So,” Kady said, when he left. “Shouldn’t we be worrying about magic?”

Julia could feel it inside her: the spark, the thumbprint. A burn, like swallowing coffee too quickly. Painful and steady. “I guess. Quentin is probably having, like, seventeen panic attacks about it.” 

* 

They went back. Kady to stay with a hedge friend in the city; Julia to the cottage. When she slept alone, her chest hurt, her head hurt, her eyes burnt. 

Kady sent her a text message two days later (two days of wondering if Kady was OK; if she’d ever want to see Julia again; and two days of remembering that she was in the middle of a quest and that a lot of intense situations and magical nonsense could be pretty distracting). 

_Hey bitch, there’s some kind of weird yoga/healing/primal circle bullshit tomorrow with this old hedge lesbian. She sells weed too. Be there._

A long pause. Her phone buzzed again. 

_Miss you._


End file.
